It's been completely one year since I've been in Germany. Sometimes I feel like I've stuck here for 5 years but then I realize that my german isn't that good for 5-year period at all.

My life graph has been fallen many times since I've remembered. Sometimes it plunged to a lowest level I could have imagined and remained down for a big while until I was too sick to be desperated and got up on my feet again.

I'm a human being, I make mistakes. I also make wrong dicisions and often it's too late to turn back. Is it good really to have many choices? Sometimes a quote from Forrest Gump pops up in my head,

"Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

I hate sweet! I even more hate sweet chocolate stuffed with deadly sweet mint or caramel. When I pick the wrong pieces and put them in my mouth, there are always 2 choices to do...

spit them out or

hold my breath, chew roughly and swollow the damn thing, drink a litre of water and feel terrible for a few minutes after all.

My chocolate box is fulled with different kinds of chocolates. Unfortunately I choose wrong ones sometimes and there are many times I manage to swollow them and regret for doing so. What would it be if I spit out or make a cup of coffee to drink while eating chocolates? Anyway, just like I said, you never know what you're gonne get! I make the dicisions, I face with the results. Fair enough!

I consider the situation at the moment as "an unstable alternative way of life". I don't like when I don't know where the wind will blow me. However I let myself think many times that it's destiny and we can't tell future. I know I will have a good future (whatsoever I keep telling myself so) but I don't know when and how I will sattle down with my future. They keep telling me that my future is how I decide or desire. I think too much, I think for many people in my life and sometimes.... ok many times, I forget to think for myself. I've got my friends lectured me many times about this topic, and it seems like I can't stop worrying them easily. It's how I've grown up. I can't suddenly change or I won't be able to change at all in my life time, I don't know.

I'm an alien in a cold country. I can't understand the language well. I don't understand the culture sometimes. I'm new with a laundry dryer and I made my niece cry when I put her cloth in the dryer and it shrunk. How the hell I suppost to know that!!! It's pressure here sometimes especially winter and no school. I can't answer any questions much because I can't even answer myself for some actions or dicisions. I know everyone wish the best for me, i wish the best for myself as well. I don't have much time left for floating around but believe me I'm not having fun for what I am now. I got lost. And I'm afraid of losing my track. I was a confident, independent person. Now I can see a different person in the mirror, blank eyes expression, hopeless smile. Things have changed.

I wanna get up in the morning, run to the shower and know what I have to do today again...